Behind The Box Score

THIS IS FAKE, JUST COMEDY!!!

After the Reds were beaten two out of the three games by the Chicago Cubs, chronic drug user Dusty Baker admited to smoking marijuana before the game. “Yo, where’d my weed go?” said Baker to Edwin Encarnacion last week, a day before he was traded to Toronto. Encarnacion, who has never smoked in his life, said to Baker, “Yo coach, I don’t know, why don’t you just quit?” that was the last straw for Baker who replied, “Edwin, last time someone told me to stop, I lost to the Marlins. You know Bartman? Yeah I put him in the stands, he runs a major meth lab down on the south side.” Two hours later, Encarnacion was dealt to Toronto, where the Reds in return got Scott Rolen, big in the cocaine industry. Rolen in his first day in uniform came up to Baker and told him the crack was in the clubhouse. With a shortage of chalk, the field crew accidentally stumbled upon the cocaine and used it to line the field. When Baker came out to talk to the umpires he smelled something very strong. “My crack, my crack!! Yo, who did this?” Scared about Baker’s violent ways, the field crew said nothing and Baker was eventually thrown out of the game. That day the Reds won. Asked after the game why he was thrown out, Baker replied to the reporter, “If someone used your crack to line the field, I think you would be pissed too. Them cracker umps threw my ass out before I could team up with Darryl Strawberry and sniff the lines. I thought Edinson did it, after breaking his elbow, he admitted he didn’t do it, oh, was I supposed to say that? Oh well, I got the White House behind me. Hell, I might even have a beer with Obama. Volquez was acting ’stupidly’” The shocking allegation was that later that week, Volquez was out for the season and ready to undergo Tommy John surgery. Volquez was interviewed on the cause of the injury and he said it had nothing to do with Baker, everyone knows how the drug dealers are in Cincinnati, snitches get stiches down there. With many Reds fans wondering why their team has hit the skids, unnamed sources in the clubhouse say the reason is the lack of alcohol available to Baker before games. Last season, the major beer importers were Adam Dunn and Ryan Freel, both not with the team. When Baker was asked why the team has struggled he said, “Uh, oh, uh, us Cincinnati uh Bengals uh Reds bloods is cause um, where my weed at?” After many have speculated why the Reds have blown lately, well we all know. When the team is down, manager Dusty Baker is always high.