Behind The Box Score

ALL CONTENT IS NOT TRUTH, JUST FAKE, SPORTS HUMOR BASED ON WHAT’S TRUE. ENJOY!

Days after being upset by Northland High School, the Findlay Prep Pilots’ basketball stars were finally sent to class. When asked about the situation, coach Michael Peck responded, “These kids suck, they lost to some public school from Columbus. I told those bums if they lost a game this year they would ACTUALLY have to learn something at this ["academy"].”

This is a first for the program, as most of the players that have come through Henderson, Nevada haven’t had to really do much but play basketball. Forward Godwin Okonji was outraged with the news, saying in a very rough English, “Uhh, I have to learn something. I just thought I had to uhmm play football, uhm basketball. Coach Peck said if I had to go to uhm class that I might as well go back to war in Africa.” The defending champs looked to be on a collision course to a second consecutive national championship after posting 45 straight wins and an average of 100 points a game going into the matchup against Northland. After a nail biting 53-52 loss to the Vikings, the players on Findlay’s rosters all pointed the finger at Tristan Thompson who was called for a foul in the final seconds that led to the loss.

Thompson replied to the allegations on Friday at a press conference at his mansion he was given for joining the team. “Man I didn’t do shit. All these n****s hatin’ on me cuz’ I’m da best. If it wasn’t for my ass puttin up points we would be goin’ to class a long time ago. And I tried to call that ref to tell him I was standin straight up but damn he still called the foul. I never commit fouls. Shit, I was gonna go to school anyways, the dude that took the ACT for me got a low ass score like 17 or somethin, I heard his name was Daryl.” Thompson would add, “I don’t care either way. I’m goin to Texas, they don’t make you take classes there either. Just ask Jordan Shipley, he’s been there for like nine years and hasn’t even written his name on a paper.”

Guard Nick Johnson was also upset over the news, “Bro, I jump really high. I can’t shoot but I be good. I haven’t taken a class in years, what am I supposed to do now? Coach Peck lied to me, he said it was gonna be any easy ride, free AAU shit, free Nike gear, no class, mass girls. But now I gotta go to class? We’re talkin about class man, class. Not a game, not a game, but class? I’m supposed to be the franchise player and we’re talkin about me going to class? Dayum, wtf.”

The most intriguing part of the whole story was how the team was even put together. All night during the broadcast on ESPN Thursday, the announcers proclaimed that each player had gone to class, passed their tests and were eligible for any D1 schools. After doing research on the subject, I have found some grieving evidence. According to a report from the San Francisco Chronicle, no player on the roster had even passed the eighth grade. After being pressed with the issue, the Canadian native Thompson finally budged. “Okay, we was sittin in juvie, over in Phoenix and some asian dude walks in tellin us he can make us millionaires. I never did anything with my life. People push me down, but I’m Canadian, I cant fight back. So we was like fine we will play, now we livin with some white car salesman and he sayin we gonna be rich. Who wouldn’t take that offer?”

After all this time, speculation has built and the truth about the Findlay Prep basketball team has been exposed. Latvian native Marko Petrovic was tricked into interviewing with Behind the Box Score after we told him a free bottle of vodka would be provided. When asked about how he was brought into the Findlay program, Petrovic said, “I’m Latvian, my mother is a prostitute on the highway, nobody loves me and my dad drinks more than a Russian. I play this game called uh basketball, my mother says it will make me rich like a Ukrainian one day. So when I’m drinking before school, this Peck guy comes into my house made out of straw and says I can be given everything I have ever wanted. He says I will get actual clothing, uhm a house made out of sturdy material and money, lots of it, not the Monopoly money we use here in Latvia. When we lost to that team from New York or Columbus, I think it was somewhere in California, I was pissed because I would actually have to do something other than basketball. Makes me want to sell my self here rather than learn something.”

When the whole program was conceived, mastermind Cliff Findlay never dreamed his team would lose. Bailing the best stars out of jail, plucking players from war zones and the arm pits of the Earth, Findlay’s team was supposed to be unstoppable. After losing to Northland, the “school” now has weaknesses and the remaining road games have been cancelled. Coach Peck was asked by reporters why he decided to cancel the road games and this was his response. “Look, these bums make me look bad. I was some video coordinator at UNLV and now I gotta act like I’m coaching. I win all the time then I finally lose, now we look like we suck. I’m gonna take this money we were supposed to use for all of our games and go join Tiger at the night club.”

Forward Winston Shepherd of the team was asked how he felt about the news and it seemed he was the most upset, “I’m Jewish ok, I joined this team so I could skip out on my family’s celebrations for Hanukkah.  Now I have to spin some dradle and blow out candles for the next week. Damn I was supposed to be makin money on this team now I gotta go to class and live a normal life.” When Northland was in the process of beating the Pilots, Vikings forward Jared Sullinger was spotted smiling at the free throw line, many thought it was simply because he was about to send the Viks home winners. When BtBS dug into the situation, Sullinger actually said he was smiling because when he knocked down those two shots, those bums would have to go to class like everyone else, and they wouldn’t be undefeated. Sullinger would add, “That Thompson dude, damn he cried more than Tim Tebow after Alabama. Yeah, boy, you fouled me get over it. I dominated him, made him feel like poop, now he has to go learn about useless physics and math. Haha, I think it’s hilarious.” Vikings wingman JD Weatherspoon chimed in, “Yeah, I didn’t even have to play and we still beat them. My ankle didn’t hurt, I was sitting on the bench getting their homework ready after knowing we would beat them. Whose number one now?”

Pilots guard Cory Joseph was especially livid following the release of the news. Joseph was checked into Riverside Methodist Hospital with two sprained ankles after having to guard Trey Burke the entire game. Joseph wasn’t available to the media after doctors said his injuries were too severe. The aforementioned Thompson was even more angered when he realized his assignments would be sent through the air, just like the two shots he tried to attempt on Devon Scott and Sullinger, both of which were blocked back to back. The funniest part of the entire situation is the fact that the team GPA will likely be lower than Matt Forte’s yards per carry average. Have fun in class Pilots, not the first time you have lost this week.