Comedy Corner: Pirates sign Wayne Gretzky, Roger Clemens, among others
In his three years as the general manager of the dreadful Pittsburgh Pirates, Neal Huntington hasn’t shied away from shocking moves. First was in his inaugural season, shipping off Jason Bay. Then in his second year, sending Jack Wilson, Freddy Sanchez, Nate McClouth and Adam LaRoche packing for new cities, new teams and new dreams. Well Huntington has pulled the trigger once again, with what he calls his “Legend Package.”
During a one hour press conference on Fox Sports Pittsburgh, Huntington announced his new plan of action for the organization. Many had no idea what he was referring to and when the plan was revealed, it left the numerous members of the media in Pittsburgh stunned. In what Huntington called, “a deadline deal,” the last place Pirates acquired LW Wayne Gretzy, not sur
e where he is going to play but they have had similar problems with Lastings Milledge, P Roger Clemens, who will likely be sent to jail for a very long time in the next year and SG Michael Jordan, who in the mid 90s explored a baseball career in the Chicago White Sox organization.
“We feel Gretzky will give us needed depth and a bat to go to in the later innings. I heard he scored alot, runs I believe. He’s about as old as Andy LaRoche, and hey, they both suck so I figured might as well sign him.”
When asked about the Clemens acquisition, Huntington replied, “He can’t be much worse than Ross Olendorf, and he is a fighter, that’s what we need. Come on, the guy has denied steroid use for the past three years, he can handle adversity.” When BtBS attempted to contact Jordan on the situation, Michael had no valuable comment. “The Pirates. Me? No, can’t be possible. I gave up that sport awhile back.”
After a bombardment of criticism from the Pittsburgh media, Huntington stayed strong with his bold move.
“Look, playoff baseball hasn’t been played here since Pamela Anderson was a virgin.”
Huntington would add later, “It’s August 31st!!!!!! Trade Deadline, duh.”
When you’re 33 games out of first place and 44 games under .500 anything is possible. But for Pittsburgh, this is truly shocking. Usually they trade players, not sign them. With a month left in the season, it’ll be very interesting to see how the Bucos do down the stretch with the AARP squad out on the field at PNC Park. “When we win 35 straight games and steal the World Series, I’ll be the one laughing. Neal Huntington. Out” Can’t blame a guy for wanting to win, but Huntington’s plan for success is about as dismal as the Stimulus Package.
- In other National League news, the Cincinnati Reds extended their lead over the St. Louis Cardinals to seven games after defeating the Milwaukee Brewers 8-4 in a game where the Cuban Missile Aroldis Chapman came in relief.
- The Chicago Cubs have found their heir apparent to Lou Piniella. Sources tell BtBS that Isiah Thomas has been in contact with the organization about the managerial position. Thomas, who is under contract with the Florida International basketball program, told Behind the Box Score that, “If I can get this job, I will finally be able to complete my masterplan. Operation Knick Destruction.” Not sure how he will be able to accomplish that but this is coming from a man who believed Eddy Curry was the savior for New York basketball.
- Omaha Nighthawks RB Maurice Clarett practiced with his new team today in front of a crowd of seven. Clarett, who served three and a half years in prison in Toledo is excited for his new start. “It’s a blessing. Instead of facing Big Bubba on every down, I’ll face guys with less intention.” Clarett is slated as the no. 2 back behind Ahman Green who is returning from hip replacement surgery.
