George Mikan? New York Knicks looking elsewhere for talent
As “Linsanity” began it’s route southwest, New York Knicks coach Mike Woodson received a call from Knicks owner James Dolan about a possible acquisition the team could make for the upcoming season. “George Mikan! Can you believe he is still on the market?” exclaimed Dolan early this morning, interrupting a massage Woodson was receiving while on vacation in Mexico. “But James, George has been dead for seven years,” said Woodson, who was visibly confused by what was happening. The call would develop into an intriguing conversation for Coach Woodson, because James Dolan actually believed the blasphemy exiting his mouth.
JD- “I know Mike, but look, we could probably get him for the veteran minimum, and with Amar’e's injury history, we can’t take any chances. Also, have you seen all the fire hydrants outside the locker room? It’s not safe for Amar’e at MSG.”
MW-”Mr Dolan, HE IS DEAD! He can’t play.”
JD-”That’s what the critics said about Jeremy Lin too, and look what he did for us? Do you not remember Linsanity, it was crazy! MSG sold out, my wife put out, and Jersey Shore wasn’t even on tv for two weeks!”
MW-”I think you’re missing the point, Mr Mikan passed away in 2005. It is not physically possible for him to wear a Knicks jersey.”
JD-”Mike, have you not seen his stats? He averaged 27.4 points per game as a rookie in 1949! His rebounds aren’t listed, so you know he had to average like 54 a game, that’s what all the big men did back in the day, right?”
MW-”No, only Wilt Chamberlain, and before you ask about him, he is dead as well.”
JD-”Woah, nobody told me about Wilt being a free agent! I mean, we’ve already signed Jason Kidd, Marcus Camby and Kurt Thomas, can’t go wrong with another old head.”
MW-”You know what? We should sign both of them! That’d be a great idea. Let me know how it goes.”
Following the successful conversation, Dolan would contact several members of the Mikan family to see how the former center was doing these days. As Woodson had already indicated, the Mikan family alerted Dolan that the Hall of Famer passed away seven years ago. Finally realizing that there really were no other options for the Knicks, Dolan would contact the Philadelphia 76ers and ask about newly signed Kwame Brown, who ironically had as many impressive plays in the post as George Mikan did last year. Maybe Willis Reed can suit up for the Knicks this upcoming season, he’s only like two years older than Camby right?
OTHER SPORTING NEWS
- Los Angeles Sparks F Candace Parker was named the Western Conference’s Most Impressive Player for the past week. Parker averaged 24 points in two games, and only dribbled the ball of her knee four times, a WNBA low.
- Washington Wizards rookie guard Bradley Beal had 18 points in a 77-75 summer league victory over the Milwaukee Bucks. Beal and former Butler guard Shelvin Mack led Washington in scoring, and more importantly, made Bucks’ F Shavlik Randolph feel even worse about the downturn of his career than he already does.
- The Los Angeles Lakers, Orlando Magic and Cleveland Cavaliers are in trade talks again. In the proposed deal, LA would send Andrew Bynum to Cleveland, Orlando would send Dwight Howard to LA, and Cleveland would send Anderson Varejao, several first round picks and an overjoyed Comic-Sans letter directly from Dan Gilbert to Orlando.
- Authorities in Dallas say the mother of Cowboys WR Dez Bryant was involved in a domestic assault, ironically involving her son. Bryant’s mother accuses her son of “trying to kill her,” by hitting her in the face with a ball cap, pulling her clothes and smacking her arms. And we all thought Marshawn Lynch‘s DUI arrest the same night was bad.
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