Category Archives: Comedy Corner
George Mikan? New York Knicks looking elsewhere for talent
As “Linsanity” began it’s route southwest, New York Knicks coach Mike Woodson received a call from Knicks owner James Dolan about a possible acquisition the team could make for the upcoming season. “George Mikan! Can you believe he is still on the market?” exclaimed Dolan early this morning, interrupting a massage Woodson was receiving while on vacation in Mexico. “But James, George has been dead for seven years,” said Woodson, who was visibly confused by what was happening. The call would develop into an intriguing conversation for Coach Woodson, because James Dolan actually believed the blasphemy exiting his mouth.
JD- “I know Mike, but look, we could probably get him for the veteran minimum, and with Amar’e's injury history, we can’t take any chances. Also, have you seen all the fire hydrants outside the locker room? It’s not safe for Amar’e at MSG.”
MW-”Mr Dolan, HE IS DEAD! He can’t play.”
JD-”That’s what the critics said about Jeremy Lin too, and look what he did for us? Do you not remember Linsanity, it was crazy! MSG sold out, my wife put out, and Jersey Shore wasn’t even on tv for two weeks!”
MW-”I think you’re missing the point, Mr Mikan passed away in 2005. It is not physically possible for him to wear a Knicks jersey.”
JD-”Mike, have you not seen his stats? He averaged 27.4 points per game as a rookie in 1949! His rebounds aren’t listed, so you know he had to average like 54 a game, that’s what all the big men did back in the day, right?”
MW-”No, only Wilt Chamberlain, and before you ask about him, he is dead as well.”
JD-”Woah, nobody told me about Wilt being a free agent! I mean, we’ve already signed Jason Kidd, Marcus Camby and Kurt Thomas, can’t go wrong with another old head.”
MW-”You know what? We should sign both of them! That’d be a great idea. Let me know how it goes.”
Following the successful conversation, Dolan would contact several members of the Mikan family to see how the former center was doing these days. As Woodson had already indicated, the Mikan family alerted Dolan that the Hall of Famer passed away seven years ago. Finally realizing that there really were no other options for the Knicks, Dolan would contact the Philadelphia 76ers and ask about newly signed Kwame Brown, who ironically had as many impressive plays in the post as George Mikan did last year. Maybe Willis Reed can suit up for the Knicks this upcoming season, he’s only like two years older than Camby right?
OTHER SPORTING NEWS
- Los Angeles Sparks F Candace Parker was named the Western Conference’s Most Impressive Player for the past week. Parker averaged 24 points in two games, and only dribbled the ball of her knee four times, a WNBA low.
- Washington Wizards rookie guard Bradley Beal had 18 points in a 77-75 summer league victory over the Milwaukee Bucks. Beal and former Butler guard Shelvin Mack led Washington in scoring, and more importantly, made Bucks’ F Shavlik Randolph feel even worse about the downturn of his career than he already does.
- The Los Angeles Lakers, Orlando Magic and Cleveland Cavaliers are in trade talks again. In the proposed deal, LA would send Andrew Bynum to Cleveland, Orlando would send Dwight Howard to LA, and Cleveland would send Anderson Varejao, several first round picks and an overjoyed Comic-Sans letter directly from Dan Gilbert to Orlando.
- Authorities in Dallas say the mother of Cowboys WR Dez Bryant was involved in a domestic assault, ironically involving her son. Bryant’s mother accuses her son of “trying to kill her,” by hitting her in the face with a ball cap, pulling her clothes and smacking her arms. And we all thought Marshawn Lynch‘s DUI arrest the same night was bad.
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After re-signing Matt Forte, Chicago fully committed to pursuing Dwight Howard
Following the contract extension agreement that the Chicago Bears reached with star running back Matt Forte earlier in the afternoon, Bears GM Phil Emery has made it clear that his team’s number one goal is to now pursue Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard. Howard, who has been the center of trade talks since March, has changed his mind numerous times on what he wants to do with his future. After telling media members that the Brooklyn Nets were the only team he would commit to long term, Howard has now been forced to deal with wherever he might land. Various trade offers have reached the desk of Orlando GM Rob Hennigan, including an offer from the Saskatchewan Rough Riders of the CFL, whom offered to give up $40 million in Canadian dollars, six seasons of Friends on Blu-ray, and an autographed Brian Adams hockey stick in exchange for the 6’11″ center. Hennigan would politely decline a few days later after intense deliberation. Now, Hennigan will have another excruciating decision to make.
Finally reaching an agreement with Forte was a huge step in the right direction for the Bears. With their franchise running back secured for another four years, Chicago is one superstar away from championship contention. Adopting the Micky Arison formula for success, Emery is willing to unload the “motherload” of trade offers for Howard. In an interview with Behind the Box Score yesterday, Emery guaranteed that Howard “would don the orange and blue next season. And no, I’m not referring to the 2006-07 Golden State Warriors.” When BtBS asked Emery what the offer would entail, he gave us a sneak peak of what Chicago would be giving up. “Look, I’m just going to say this. I learned from the legendary Mike Ditka, and that guy was crazy. He offered to give up his entire 1999 draft class for a pothead who just happened to play running back. With Dwight, we have one of the best athletes in the world, and if we can get him in Chicago, everyone will forget that our favorite baseball team here hasn’t won in 104 years.”
Our interviewer, whose name is not going to be used for safety reasons, tried to remind Emery that Howard doesn’t even play football. With that being said, Emery said he is still focused on nabbing Howard for the 2012 season. With the addition of Brandon Marshall, the Chicago offense hopes to explode onto the scene, especially in a high scoring NFC North. Emery didn’t reveal what position Howard would play if he were to land in Chicago, but finished trade talk with this, “In Chicago, we have had a history of winning. Whether that be the most homicides in one year, or the best rapper to schmash Kim Kardashian, Chicago isn’t happy with second place. Rob Hennigan, I’m speaking directly to you. I’m willing to give you the best trade offer you’ve seen in your short career as a GM, and if you don’t accept it, well, we will have problems. Let me remind you that I resided in the same cell as Tookie Williams. I c
an get you touched.” These are very strong words from a GM pursuing a player who doesn’t even play in the same league as the Chicago Bears, but nonetheless, at least this Chicago franchise is trying to improve.
Comedy Corner: Ohio State signs top prospect
Waking up every morning before dawn, many at the Mansfield YMCA see a legend in the making. In the wee hours of the morning, before most people start their day, one man, and one dream are in the making. After graduating with the class of 2010 at Central Crossing High School, Mansfield YMCA PF/C Jason Morrow has surpassed unlikely odds to get to the position he is in now.
Comedy Corner: Sources say Thomas, Cubs talks “confirmed”
As the Chicago Cubs wrapped up a 5-3 win over the Pittsburgh Pirates last night at Wrigley Field, talks intensified between Isiah Thomas and the organization who hasn’t won a championship in 102 seasons. Thomas, who flew to Chicago on Tuesday, met with GM Jim Hendry about the job opening. Sources say the two had a 30 minute meeting concluding with Thomas talking to the media about the allegations.
Comedy Corner: Pirates sign Wayne Gretzky, Roger Clemens, among others
In his three years as the general manager of the dreadful Pittsburgh Pirates, Neal Huntington hasn’t shied away from shocking moves. First was in his inaugural season, shipping off Jason Bay. Then in his second year, sending Jack Wilson, Freddy Sanchez, Nate McClouth and Adam LaRoche packing for new cities, new teams and new dreams. Well Huntington has pulled the trigger once again, with what he calls his “Legend Package.”
Comedy Corner: Findlay Prep players sent to class
ALL CONTENT IS NOT TRUTH, JUST FAKE, SPORTS HUMOR BASED ON WHAT’S TRUE. ENJOY!
Days after being upset by Northland High School, the Findlay Prep Pilots’ basketball stars were finally sent to class. When asked about the situation, coach Michael Peck responded, “These kids suck, they lost to some public school from Columbus. I told those bums if they lost a game this year they would ACTUALLY have to learn something at this ["academy"].”
Tebow Poses for GQ, Wins Douche of the Year Award
When everyone thought the Tim Tebow chatter would end after he was voted Second Team All SEC, well, the golden boy of college football is back. With ESPN covering this story a little too much, I’m going to put my two cents in. Yes, Tebow is a good quarterback, but come on the dude is overhyped. If I had the talent Florida has, I think I would be able to win a few games, and with the system Urban Meyer runs down there, anyone who can throw an object further than Sage Rosenfels would fit.
Report: Favre Signs With Vikings
Three weeks ago, NFL Drama Queen Brett Favre told everyone in the national media and the Minnesota Vikings that he was going to stay retired. Finally, most people thought, this man would go away and let Sage Rosenfels and Tavaris Jackson duke it out for the starting quarterback spot. Well, like an STD, Brett Favre is back and expected to sign with the Vikings.
Bronson Taking Illegal Drugs…Still
Even a month after he admitted to taking Andro from 1998 to 2004, he still is taking some drugs on the days he pitches, and some on off days. According to a USA Today report, he said that, “I have a lot of guys in the locker room who think I’m out of my mind because I’m taking